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Mother's Day
Mother's Day

Table of Contents

Lessons My Mother Taught Me

Maternity Leave

The Bus

The Bookstore




The following has been floating around the internet for quite a few years.  If anyone knows who should receive the credit, contact us (e-mail link below).


Lessons My Mother Taught Me


1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
                     "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning."

2.  My mother taught me RELIGION.
                     "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
                     "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.  My mother taught me LOGIC.
                     "Because I said so, that's why."

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
                     "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
                     "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.  My mother taught me IRONY.
                     "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.  My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
                     "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
                     "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA.
                     "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER.
                     "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.  My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
                     "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
                     "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
                     "Stop acting like your father!"

15.  My mother taught me about ENVY.
                     "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
                     "Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
                     "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
                     "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.  My mother taught me ESP.
                     "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR.
                     "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
                     "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.  My mother taught me GENETICS.
                     "You're just like your father."

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
                     "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.  My mother taught me WISDOM
                     "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.  And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
                     "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



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Maternity Leave


While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.  She also had her seven-year-old son with her.  

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, may I have some money to buy a pop?"

"What do you say?" she said.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.



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The Bus

While riding to work on the bus, I overheard another passenger a young, pregnant woman complain to a friend that she was tired of having strangers ask her when the baby was due.

Three days later I again boarded the bus.

The same woman was there, clad in a blue sweat shirt.

This message was printed across the lower front:  "Moving Out Sept. 5."



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The Bookstore

While waiting in a bookstore for a guest author to sign her latest book, I leafed through some of the Civil War novels she had written.

The woman in line behind me commented, "Those are the best books I've ever read. I couldn't put them down."

Before I could reply, the author looked over and said, "Oh, cut it out, Mom!"

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© Beverly Schmitt 1997-2004, all rights reserved
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